I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
