apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
