So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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