my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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