Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
