Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
