I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
