I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
