Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
