My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
