That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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