He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
sex in a hospital.. check
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
