yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
