I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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