if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
