I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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