I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
