i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
