I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
