he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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