Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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