he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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