That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
