She tied me up with her honor cords...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
