They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
