eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
false alarm. still invincible.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
