Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
