so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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