Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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