Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
