Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
