The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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