I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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