she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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