Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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