As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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