those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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