if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
