I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
