The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
