So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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