he puts the penis in happiness.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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