69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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