Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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