How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
