I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Boobs speak an international language.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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