So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
