Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
