She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
