WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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